Today, while at work, I had a really random thought pop into my head. Of course, this is not out of the ordinary for me as my brain is always thinking of random things. But the one that stuck and wouldn't shake off was the one where I imagined speaking to a younger version of myself. It started with the five-year-old me. There's nothing like getting choked up in the middle of your break room, slurping on a strawberry-banana smoothie, imagining that you are sitting beside the cute, curious, happy 34-years-younger version of yourself. The moment I felt my eyes swell up, I started to worry that maybe I was losing it. But seriously though, have you ever thought about that? What would you say to your younger self? I knew that had I continued to entertain the thought of talking to the smaller version of me, I would have ended up being a teary mess who then had to try and explain to a fellow coworker, who simply wanted to eat their lunch in an emotion-free zone, why they couldn't sit in that particular seat. I realized that it was probably best to imagine speaking to an older, not-so-young version of myself and that's when I remembered that in just over two weeks, I'll be clocking in at thirty-nine years old. Holy. Cow. Where has the time gone? So, let's minus twenty years and I am left with the nineteen year old me.
I turned nineteen in the year 1997. I was living with my Dad and stepmother in Norwalk, California at the time. I had moved to California from Hawai'i in August of the previous year, after having graduated from high school. My intention was to NOT live in California with my Dad and stepmom. I had been accepted to the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque and had planned to attend school there with the help of my parents. Let's just say that the finances fell through and I found myself stuck in a place I did not want to be and did not feel completely welcome in. Needless to say, I hung out in my room a lot. For hours, I would listen to Native American flute and New Age music while picturing myself, the Native American studies major I had planned on being, climbing down canyon walls with my fellow classmates, secretly falling in love with the gorgeous, long-haired, Native American Native American studies professor. When I wasn't daydreaming of "my life that could have been" I was busy writing letters to my friends, reading, drawing, or hibernating.
At some point that year, I started becoming pretty involved with the church that oddly enough, my Buddhist stepmother and Agnostic father, attended at the time. I grew to be very close to my Pastor's family as they became more and more like family to me. That same year, I would find myself having moved in with them, working my first job as an assistant to an Egyptian man who ran a Mom-and-Pop version of Kinkos/College Bookstore, then attending a Baptist Bible College. This letter is for the me of that time.
* * * * *
Dear Kathy,
I am writing this letter to you from the year 2017. By the way, if you haven't guessed from the familiar handwriting on this page, this is you writing back to yourself 20 years from now. Don't freak! Please just sit down and read what I have to tell you, because there are some things I really want you to know, or at least, I want to say in hopes that maybe it will help make the journey you are on right now a little easier. Twenty years is a long time. Now that I'm older, there are a lot of things that are clearer for me that are still quite muddied for you. All that I ask is that you hold on to these words I will tell you. Before I go on, I want you to know that you are an amazing human being. I'm not just saying that because I am you, well maybe I am. Seriously though, as hard as you are on yourself right now, knowing how hard you fight these feelings of inadequacy and of disappointment both in yourself and in others, you are a good person. Don't let ANYONE tell you differently. You are not perfect, but that's okay. You will make mistakes, trust me. You will disappoint people, even people who love you, but that's how you will learn forgiveness, both for yourself and for those who will ultimately disappoint and hurt you too. You will make decisions that will impact the rest of your life, and the lives of others. I don't necessarily want to change that. I feel very deeply that every major decision you have made in your life was done genuinely and whole-heartedly, with you truly believing it to be good. That's not to say that every decision made was good for you. With that said, looking back now, I can see that good things came out of every single one of them, even the ones where you will ask yourself later, "What the hell was I thinking?!"
Ok, so here are some words of wisdom for you to carry . . .
Right now, you are leaning very heavily on your faith . . . or what you think your faith is. If you're being really honest with yourself, you'll recognize that the God that you are learning about and feel you are trying to connect to, is not the same one that has been with you this whole time. I say that only because you are trying so hard to be the perfect example of a "godly woman" but not for the right reasons. Yes, you already had convictions about things like not having "relations" until you were married, and not committing murder and such before, but it was because you already had that talk with God well before others felt you knew God. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: don't let religion and what you feel the "godly" people in your life expect of you to steal away your spirituality. I know, that sounds confusing and New Agey. It's not. At the end of the day, your relationship with God is just that . . . a relationship between you and Him. Period. Do not, and I stress this, do not let others tell you and make you believe that they know what God's plan is for you. Even if it's coming from people who love you and you love back, folks who are in the ministry and you respect to be spiritual people, because I will tell you this. . . NO ONE knows what God's plan is for you. Not even you. All you can do is pray that your heart, your Spirit will recognize what you need to be doing, when you need to be doing it and where. And you will know that you are exactly where you should be, in God's plan, when you feel in your heart you are doing exactly what you should be even if it may not necessarily be what you want it to be. The point is being obedient to that calling in your heart, regardless of what others might say or think. Be true to that voice because it will carry you through. I promise.
Now, I know that you are dying to know if you have finally met the "man of your dreams" and I hate to break it to you, but I still haven't met Adam Beach yet. Quite honestly, I don't think it would work out even if we did. Besides, you still haven't heard about James McAvoy, Glen Hansard, or Hugh Jackman yet. Ok, ok. Sorry. Have you met the man of your dreams? Your soulmate? The one whom you shall share the rest of your life with? I don't know, maybe. Maybe I know him, maybe I don't. I know that's not the answer you want to hear. And maybe I really shouldn't tell you any more than that seeing as how I didn't want to change anything that you will decide from now going forward. Well, I can tell you this much. If I feel that I've said more than I should, I'll just obliviate your memory. You'll learn more about that in 2016. No worries. This is what I will share with you about your love life. As of now, in my time, you will have found yourself in three major relationships where you gave your heart to someone else. The first one will teach you about boundaries, and how there is a fine line between what is ok and what is not ok and the challenge of being able to truly see the difference. The second one is a hard one. The lesson, or at least one of the lessons, that you will learn is that everyone, no matter who they are, deserves to be loved, and loved unconditionally, but you are not a savior. And in the third and last one, this one being the most difficult lesson of all . . . you will learn what it means to sacrifice for the sake of loving someone, but most importantly, you will learn what it means to truly love and respect yourself. Having said all that, and I realize I'm being pretty vague and it's only because I really don't want to have to obliviate you, after having gone through all that I did in those previous relationships, I think I have finally come to an understanding of what love should be, what it really is.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love doesn't get jealous. It doesn't brag. It's not arrogant.
Love doesn't shame others. It isn't selfish.
Love makes it hard to get angry, and it doesn't keep score.
Love doesn't care for lies and corruption, but instead it
rejoices in truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
This. This is what I want for us. And if you're wondering why all that sounds familiar, it's because I paraphrased I Corinthians 13:4-8. I've read it a million times and thought I understood what it was saying. I do now. I no longer believe that we will ever "find" the right person. And I realize now, that we were never meant to "give" our hearts to anyone. It doesn't work that way. I think when it comes to love, true love, you can't just go out and find it. You wait for it, patiently. And you probably won't even recognize it right away. But when the timing is right, I believe very much that you will suddenly find yourself standing beside someone whose very presence makes you want to be a better person and you can't figure out why you're so damn happy, scared, and confused all at the same time. It's that feeling, remember? That's when you'll know. You'll just know. And if you should be so lucky that it's meant to be, maybe he'll know too.
Hang in there kiddo! You'll be ok. Promise.
Love,
You . . . in 20 years
